Quotes from Pete Hautman

I don't know and probably never will know enough about the true nature of the universe to tell anyone else what to believe, and I've come to distrust the words of those who have presumed to do so.

If you can imagine it, you're halfway there

He's kinda shy. Maybe I should ask him out." "I think it's more traditional for you to trick him into asking you out. That way he feels more manly.

He's a guy. He has built in testosterone issues.

So who are you today?

Guys have four personalities: the one they use with their parents, the one they use around other adults, the one they use for talking to girls, and the one they use for hanging with their friends. Leakage between the various personality types can cause serious problems.

Murphy's face went through several mutations as he spoke, as if small animals were scurrying about just beneath his skin.

Dan is my ordinary friend. Everybody should have at least one ordinary friend and Dan is as ordinary as they come. He is so ordinary that most people have to meet him six or seven times before they remember his name.

The dead live in our memories.

Dear Miz Fitz, My boyfriend is superhot so a lot of girls think up reasons to talk to him. It drives me... ...Out of my Mind Miz Fitz sez: Maybe he is too hot for you. Send me his photo, name, and phone number. I will check him out and get back to you.

we live in different worlds, different realities

Miz Fitz, If my boyfriend would just once say "I'm sorry, I was wrong," I think I would die and go to heaven. -Hellbound, a Lass Miz Fitz sez: You should wish for something realistic, like world peace.

So I sit and endure the stares and the pangs and twinges of Catholic guilt, knowing that I am doing the right thing if I'm right, and the right thing even if I'm wrong. Being Catholic is hard. Being ex-Catholic is even harder.

Do they really think that attending mass will make them better, or happier, or save them from an eternity of hellfire? Maybe they do. But there are something like ten thousand religions in the world. What makes them think that they happen to have been born into the right one? I have asked this question several times. So far, I haven't heard a good answer. Better to start your own religion, I think. That way you get to be your own pope.

For example, if she joined the book club — there was always a book club — and hung out with them, her choice of guys would be limited to the dark and moody Chuck Palahniuk/Kurt Vonnegut/Life-Sucks-and-Then-You-Die brooders.

I didn't know what to say, but one thing was for sure: The Bank of Ted was closed.

I suppose if we forgot stuff we'll never know we forgot it, because we won't remember

I know that the World is a terrible place, filled with wild animals and evil men and wicked woman.

I label Derek an idiot, I label Bridgette an overachieving priss-butt, I label Arfie a dog, and I label myself the beef in a SooperSlider.

Destiny? My destiny is what I make of it!