Quotes from Jeffrey E. Young

Patients must be willing to give up their maladaptive coping styles in order to change. For example, patients who continue surrendering to the schema—by remaining in destructive relationships or by not setting limits in their personal or work lives -perpetuate the schema and are not able to make significant progress in therapy.

Having a secret is isolating." Try, as much as possible, not to hide your flaws or perceived differences.

You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.

We grow up accustomed to certain roles and certain ways of being perceived. If we grow up in a family in which we are abused, neglected, yelled at, constantly criticized, or dominated, then that is the environment that feels most comfortable to us. Unhealthy as it may be, most people seek and create environments that feel familiar and similar to the ones where they grew up.

You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends. Undoubtedly this gives rise to anger (although you may not be aware of it). You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it.

Try to respect the reasons your lifetrap developed in the first place. In your childhood, it was essential for your emotional survival. But what was once a help to you is now hurting you, and it is time to give it up. It is time for you to begin the slow journey out of self-denial and self-defeat, and to reclaim your life for yourself.

Many people who have the Dependence lifetrap also have the Abandonment lifetrap. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a person having the Dependence lifetrap and not having the Abandonment lifetrap. People who have the Dependence lifetrap believe that they cannot survive alone. They need a strong figure to guide and direct them through the activities of day-to-day life. They need help. Abby is an example of a person who has both lifetraps.

Once you can open yourself up to the idea that your defectiveness is not a fact, the healing process can begin to work.

Dependent people often allow themselves to be abused, subjugated, or deprived in order to maintain the dependence. They will do almost anything to keep the person with them.

When we Surrender, we distort our view of situations to confirm our lifetrap. We react with strong feelings whenever our lifetrap is activated. We select partners and enter situations that reinforce our lifetrap. We keep the lifetrap going.

Often there are sexual difficulties. In addition, as the years pass, you may grow and develop a stronger sense of identity. If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.

He criticizes himself in front of others. When people are nice to him, he distances or somehow undermines the relationship. Alex tries to maintain the status quo. When the environment becomes too supportive, he alters the situation so he can go back to that comfortable state of shame and dejection. If he feels superior or equal for a moment, he somehow manages to return to a lesser position.

Christine is too independent. No matter how anxious she feels, she forces herself to face things alone. This tendency to go to the other extreme—to act as though she does not need anybody for anything—is called counterdependence, and is a strong indication of the presence of the Dependence lifetrap.

You feel like all you can get is what other people deign to give you. You don't go after what you want.

You feel that you cannot shape the course of events in your life. You feel trapped by circumstances or swept along by fate. Rather than an actor, you are a reactor. You feel there is little you can do to solve your problems.

Your basic sense of people is that they are out to hurt you and secretly enjoy your suffering. It is the emotional tone of your relationships—the feeling that surrounds you when somebody gets close.

Your parents' love for you was conditional on your meeting high standards. 2. One or both parents were models of high, unbalanced standards. 3. Your Unrelenting Standards developed as a way to compensate for feelings of defectiveness, social exclusion, deprivation, or failure. 4. One or both parents used shame or criticism when you failed to meet high expectations.

Someone in your family seemed to get pleasure from seeing you suffer.

1. Self-Sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt) 2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear)

You must throw your whole being against the lifetrap—your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

12. Be More Aggressive at Work. Take Credit for What You Do. Do Not Let Other People Take Advantage of You. Ask for Any Promotions or Raises You Might Be Entitled To. Delegate Responsibilities to Other People.

And usually you do not dare express your anger openly. That might drive people away, and you need them too much. The dark side of this lifetrap is that you feel trapped in your dependent role.

Remember that your Subjugation lifetrap has the strength of a lifetime of memories and of a multitude of repetitions and confirmations that it is right. Subjugation feels right to you. Your lifetrap is central to your entire self-image and view of the world. Naturally, it is going to fight very hard for survival. You find comfort and reassurance in holding onto your lifetrap, regardless of its negative consequences for your life. You should not become discouraged because change is slow.

Alex consistently distorts or misperceives situations so that they reinforce his lifetrap. His view of situations is inaccurate: he feels people are attacking and humiliating him even when they are not. He has a strong bias to interpret events as proving he is defective, exaggerating the negative and minimizing the positive.