Quotes from Jennifer Coburn

They always think if they married someone else, their lives would have turned out differently

I see women married to good men, shitty men, philandering men, boring men, alcoholic men and they all think there's someone different out there who would have been better for them.

They seem to think if they married their ex-boyfriend or the phantom prince, their entire lives would have turned out like a fairy tale instead of a cookbook," she said.

With my distorted face and cane, I'd look like the Hunchbelly of St. Pat's.

What they don't get is that if they hadn't chosen their current partner, they would have wound up with the same guy wearing different pants

Omigahd," she laughed again. "You are such the after shot now. You look so, so New York." Youaaare such the aaaafter shaaat naaaw. Michigan. This state has been sponsored by the Letter A.

By seventh grade, the notes stopped and it was assumed that I'd know how to fend for myself for dinner if there was a ten-dollar bill on the table. There were three dinner options at my house. In reverse order of preference: Number three—broiled chicken dusted with paprika. Number two—ten on the table. And number one—dinner with Mom and her boyfriend, David, at a five-star restaurant.

It's not her life that's irrelevant. What's useless is sitting around wondering what might have been, because what might have been is what is. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but grass is basically grass.

All right already! Eating will be challenging, are you happy?" "In general or at the moment?" "Good God, Mother!

You visit your brownies?" I asked. She nodded with satisfaction. "There are many ways to have a relationship with food other than eating it. That's from the Answer store's new diet book.

Yeah, uh, listen, ladies," the clerk said. "Someone's gonna have to pay for this ripped jersey here." Our words toppled over each other's again. "Not me." For someone so completely unlike me, this Psycho Mom certainly was reading from the same script as I was. "Why don't you ladies split it?" he suggested. "Looks like they've already done that, dude," a spectator couldn't resist injecting.

A life well-lived is a life filled with mistakes and stupid shit you should've never done." The

For ten-on-the-table nights, I memorized the take-out menus of every restaurant within a ten-block radius of West Eleventh Street, which was no small task.

It infuriated me that men could walk around feeling perfectly good about their appearance whether they had a unibrow, triple chin, or skin flaps hanging off their eyelids, but stunning women like Faidra felt the need to have an unblemished butthole. The world is insane. Not

He was the kind of guy who won the stupid tricks contest at local bars by inhaling a silver chain up his nostril and pulling it out his mouth.

Challenging, darling," Anjoli corrected. "Release the struggle consciousness. Challenges can be overcome. One can rise to a challenge. Difficulty sounds so hopeless. Words are affirmations. Affirmations are manifestations. Manifestations—" "All right already! Eating will be challenging, are you happy?" "In general or at the moment?" "Good God, Mother!

It never fails to amaze me how many beautiful young women with so much promise and talent wind

Changing yourself into who you think someone else wants is hurting yourself. It's a rejection of who you are, and that's toxic. You're committing emotional suicide." I

Ask any single parent whether they'd like an extra set of hands around the house and they'd take it." They'd take it if it weren't the set of hands belonging to the rat bastard who asked for a divorce the same day the pregnancy test read positive.

What will I do? I'll do as I have always done, darling. I will go on. I will survive. I shall overcome." It's tough to manage sounding like Scarlett O'Hara, Gloria Gaynor, and a one-woman civil rights movement all at the same time, but Anjoli pulled it off with aplomb.

Lack of panache, I silently corrected him. "I don't know how you'd describe it, but there's earnestness about you, Mona. There's nothing frivolous about you." They call it boring. Insipid. Vacuous. Dry. Dull. Plain. Vanilla minus the vanilla flavor. But thanks for trying to make it sound like an attribute. Now I feel as though I should schedule an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon for both a facelift and a personality implant.

Even the men were better groomed than I was. Kimmy's queer brigade wears purposefully sloppy hair and uses special shavers that leave rugged day-old stubble.