Quotes from Clement Freud

Congealed fat is pretty much the same, irrespective of the delicacy around which it is concealed.

To barbecue is a way of life rather than a desirable method of cooking.

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

I was going to talk about Nicholas Parsons' ignorance, but 18 seconds would be a wholly insufficient time.

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

I think our police are excellent, probably because I have not done anything that has occasioned being beaten up by these good men.

There's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking, and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking, and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just feels longer.

If you give up smoking, drinking, and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

It is essential that we understand people for who they are as individuals and not the public perception of them or their family and past.

I understand it is 13-8 against Egon Ronay publishing a Good Betting Shop Food Guide by 1997.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.