Quotes from Laurie Notaro

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

You are basically a flophouse and a pimp away from Pepcid rehab, you know that? I informed Nana.

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.

Are you kidding I was raised Catholic, my mom just came back from a Saint Francis Pilgrimage in Italy and bought a huge statue to prove it, big as you. Big as you. Catholics aren't like that, they can be a little slutty at times, sure and there's the pedophilia, but they aren't allowed to be strippers! It's not allowed!

It's a proclamation he regards as complete absolution from answering...as if his last name was Bush, he was eighteen, and there was a draft going on.

Is it just another pore expanding? God, I already have pores the size of pudding cups, that's the last thing I need, another pore...to fill in with spackle.

Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model

If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don't even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.

As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman who is revealed as completely inadequate by the lighting can throw herself in rather than contaminate the store staging for any longer than absolutely necessary.

Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren't dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.

Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don't have two hundred books somewhere that you haven't read yet, I don't trust you.

Oh, boy. Now you see what you've done, Monica Lewinsky, you stupid, stupid tart, I thought. Because of you, I have to explain to my Nana, while she's in a hospital bed with an enlarged gallbladder, what oral sex is. Do you see the damage you've caused? Do you see where your sinful path has led?

How could I compete with that? Candies and toys! I had string and glue and some very complicated dynamics going on at my station. I mean, when I was assigned to that table, no one happened to mention that it was a simmering hotbed of political unrest concerning the lower case r. A wicked web indeed.

Once I had been jerked back to reality, like I was in a log on Splash Mountain and someone quickly applied the brakes, I knew this had been a terrible choice, but I was in it now. There was no getting out; there was no abandoning the mission.

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.

Expert Tip: "No matter how old and achy I am, I can still haul ass outta bed when the dog starts making vomit noises."—Connie Sherretts, MAW

If there was a National Tweaker Olympics, Oregon would bring home the gold in every category (Living in Squalor, Poisoning Your Neighbors, Developing Facial Scabs, Public Aggression, Theft of Useless Things, Taking Stuff Apart, and Crazy Talking).

Poor Holly. There she was, completely unaware while millions of minute mucus particles, each carrying the flu virus, exploded into the air like rain. It was their germ mission to land on her and try to find their way into an opening of her body, much like a date I once had attempted with me.

I've seen so much stuff that I had to purge 90 percent of my childhood memories from my brain in order to make room for passwords and PINs.

There were times when, in her fury, she was convinced that she needed to drive down to Phoenix and let him know just how much of a bastard she thought he was, that he needed to know just what he had done. But she eventually realized that with his resounding, silent indifference, nothing she could possibly say would matter to him, and by the same account, he didn't deserve to understand how angry he had made her. He wasn't good enough to know how much she hated him.

Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a prisoner of war.

Expert Tip: "The day will come when you fervently wish that you are only as fat as you were the FIRST time you thought you were fat."—Michelle Loyet, MAW, whom I've been on vacation with numerous times

I totally deserved this, I realized. I deserved to get captured in this shirt. I was roped in like a calf. Stupid. So stupid. Just because it was on sale, I had to try on a baby shirt. This was so completely my fault. Maybe I should go to Baby Gap tomorrow and try to get into some Onesies or a romper. What was I thinking? Really?