Quotes from Robert J. Ackerman

Didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.

The only emotion my father expressed with any regularity was anger.

Transitions Needed • Learn to accept responsibility for your behaviors. • Learn appropriate ways to handle or release ager. • Learn how to communicate directly. • Learn alternative ways to handle stress.

Knowing when to detach yourself from an unhealthy situation can be healthy, but the kind of detachment that is negative is called "premature closure." This occurs when you detach yourself from a situation at the first sign of trouble. You leave even before you see whether or not the problem can be worked out. When this happens you never learn conflict resolution, you only learn how to leave.

The achiever is usually in an internal struggle. He struggles against what he believes and what he thinks he must do to make himself feel good. The trick in our lives is to get the two together. An internal sense of worth is just as important to the healthy man as an external sense of worth. However, it takes a healthy man to realize this.

All happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. LEO TOLSTOY

The most common problem I find among silent sons is their belief that they're just like everybody else. In other words, many either believe that their family was not dysfunctional (when in fact it was) or believe that it was dysfunctional, but they were not affected. This is not unusual for men. The following are some classic behavior patterns in silent sons.

The problem is, most men don't express their emotions.

We have learned to limit our emotions to such an extent that we won't let others in and we can't get out. We invest an inordinate amount of time and energy maintaining a façade, an image to hide behind.

Negative silence is the silence of a man in pain. Negative silence tells you that you are being the "wrong" silent type. Your silence keeps you locked in and others locked out. Your loyalty to an image and to your silence demands a high price. The silent son makes his monthly payments loyally, but he's never paid up; the quieter he becomes, the more he owes.

Stress can bring out your unresolved issues. Like many silent sons, you may be at a low boiling point but not realize it. When stress occurs, your reactions are extreme and you don't understand why.

The hypermature man wants laughter, warmth, and closeness, but doesn't know how to achieve them and has difficulty letting himself go long enough to try. Change is slow for him, and he needs a patient partner who can see a great person behind the seriousness. Besides, he will never let you down.

Family life demands emotional doseness. For many silent sons emotional closeness is stressful, even if they want it more than anything else.

The silent treatment can be very frustrating to us, not to mention the effect it has on others. Most of us know when we are doing it; few of us know how to stop it. I buried my feelings for years, but if a feeling is strong enough it mill eventually surface. My family has paid the price.

As a boy, the conflict avoider saw many arguments, but never any resolution. This left him with the wrong idea not only about arguments, but also about relationships. He thought that there was no such thing as a healthy argument. He learned that he hated conflict, so he became the peacemaker. Reconciling conflicting parties—or keeping the peace—

We are the ones who are upset and we know that something is wrong. But instead of discussing our feelings, we attack others who can only guess at the real problem. Some guess better or question more directly than others. Some targets see what we are doing and reject or resent our assaults. Have you ever heard: "Don't take it out on me'? If so, you have been engaging in target practice.

He defines co—dependency as: "an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."3

He believes that to be accepted by others he must do what they want and only what they want. He becomes a people pleaser and neglects taking care of himself.

We seldom see these things in ourselves until we have a reason to look. We are probably all like the heroes we had when we were boys.

Along the way there was one thing that held me back, as it does so many other silent sons. This one thing burdens us like a heavy unwanted blanket. Unless we kick it off, it will destroy us. This one thing is—anger.