Quotes from Dom Irrera

Push-up bras are like breasts on the half-shell.

I asked this one girl out, and she said, "You got a friend?" I said yes; she said, "Then go out with him."

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: I have a cold. I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore.