Quotes from Tim Hawkins

Two conditions that warrant someone's unconditional devotion: 1. Save their life 2. Help them move a pillow top mattress

We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's our youth pastor.

Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at... This guy comes up and says, 'D'you know that we're the home of the world's largest frying pan?' '...Really! That is great 'cause I'm writin' a new book called Things I Don't Care About.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!

You need to go sit on the pot.

Do not siphon gas with your mouth.

I could always make people around me laugh. It was more of a defense mechanism more than anything else, because I was a pretty shy guy.

This guy's testimony is awesome. I hate my testimony. I wish I was addicted to heroin. But no. I had to grow up in a somewhat functional family situation. It's just not fair. Why can't I be a crack addict who robbed Fort Knox using nothing but a can of hairspray and a plastic ice cream scoop? Thanks a lot, God.

Remarkably, 85% of all people who will ever come to Christ do so before they reach their nineteenth birthday.