Quotes from Roberta M. Gilbert

It takes two to have a fight.

What is making contact? It is hard to define, but people do know when they have or have not made contact… Sometimes it seems that humans have lost the art. The range of possibilities for contact open to human beings is extremely large, ranging from conversations that can last hours to something as brief as a pull on a pigtail. However, just a small attempt to make contact with the other person on a regular basis can put a distant relationship back on track.

So if there is one most important gift we can give to the next generation it is that of a solid and satisfying marriage relationship.

altruism is accomplished as a thoughtful choice and is guided by inner principles, not as an automatic, adaptive, or accommodative response.

In summary, people at lower levels on the scale have difficulty with decision-making; because they have less choice between thinking and feeling, more of their choices are emotionally driven.

If two partners in a relationship work on their own levels of differentiation, their relationship will automatically improve. If even one of the partners works to raise his or her level of differentiation, the relationship will do better over the long term.

The basic pattern in conflictual marriages is one in which neither gives in to the other or in which neither is capable of an adaptive role.... The relationship cycles through periods of intense closeness, conflict that provides a period of emotional distance, and making up, which starts another cycle of intense closeness.

The eight concepts of Bowen theory, in the logical progression that builds on the family as the emotional unit, are: Nuclear Family Emotional System The Differentiation of Self Scale Triangles Cutoff Family Projection Process Multigenerational Transmission Process Sibling Position Societal Emotional Process.

The human dyad is so unstable that when two people who are important to each other develop a problem, which they invariably do, they automatically look around for a third person to include in the anxious situation in some way. The third person is brought into participation in the anxiety of the original twosome, and thus anxiety flows around the triangle.

The last concept to be added to Bowen theory is that of societal regression. It notes that, periodically, as anxiety begins to run higher in society, regressed behavior can be noted on a massive scale. A hallmark of such an anxious period is the unwillingness of families or other institutions of society (such as the court system) to take responsibility when behavior breaks down.

Usually what people do in a relationship crisis is more of the same thing they have been doing, only more intensely and more anxiously.

The five familiar and well-defined relationship patterns, as described by Bowen, are: Conflict Distance Cutoff Dysfunctional spouse (also called over/underfunctioning reciprocity) Dysfunctional child (also called triangling)

One important difference is the insistence of the new theory upon seeing the big picture. Where Freudian theory concerned itself with the delineation of ever more refined detail in the life of an individual, Bowen theory pursues an ever-broadening scope that incorporates an entire relationship system.

The emotional intensity of a significant relationship is a stimulus that intensifies the drive toward togetherness. As each partner finds personal meaning in the relationship, the togetherness force becomes more intense, as though some sort of gravitational force were operating.

The central dilemma in managing the individuality/togetherness force for each person is how to keep the focus on one's own life and life direction but still stay in open, clear communication with the other significant people in that life.

Sometimes relationships are an attempt to complete the self the same way it was completed in the original family system.

Family systems theory tells us that each partner in a relationship is exactly as differentiated or emotionally mature as the other; otherwise the two wouldn't attract.

To begin the work of changing a relationship of overfunctioning/ underfunctioning reciprocity, one must not ask, "How can I change this troublesome partner of mine?" Instead the question is, "What is my contribution to this relationship pattern?

Triangles are ubiquitous and automatic in emotional systems. They are considered, in Bowen family systems theory, to be the molecule, or basic building block of any system of people—be it the family, an organization, or society itself. The goal is not how to get out of them, however, but rather how to manage oneself in and through them.

The most common and important triangle that people find when they begin to examine their patterns is the one that was formed between themselves and their two parents or caregivers at birth.

It is simplistic to advocate that if you stop worrying about your children, they'll automatically have no problems. To be alive is to have problems. But it is certain that, if children don't have their parents' concern about them added to their ordinary difficulties, they will do better. Worrying about a child does not solve the lack of differentiation of self that leads to it.

The real problem is, to some degree, that the partners in a difficult relations are "no-selfs." Too much of each self has been absorbed into the relationship.

People with low levels of emotional maturity or differentiation attract other people with low maturity levels, and people with higher levels attract higher level people.