Quotes from Joey Adams

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why — he does.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Many a crown of wisdom is but the golden chamberpot of success, worn with pompous dignity.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

They say a psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

I want to die like my grandfather died . . . peacefully in his sleep. Not like the other three people screaming in the car.

My friend Myron tells me, 'Last year on Mother's Day the whole family got together for a big dinner and afterward, when Mom started to clean up, I said to her, 'Don't bother with those dishes, Mom. Today is Mother's Day, you can always do them tomorrow.'

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.