Quotes from Scott Dikkers

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

Comfort the Afflicted, Afflict the Comfortable")

That said, Snark can be effective (and funny) when done well, and without clichés. One of the problems with Snark nowadays is that it's overused, and therefore writers in this category have difficulty standing out from the crowd. Mike Nelson (of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fame) has written some very funny essays and books in this style.

The human butt is the single funniest thing in the known universe. This is undisputed.

an ill-equipped relatable character who faces impossible odds yet doesn't give up.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.