Quotes from Rokelle Lerner

narcissists sense that their partner will inevitably see how inadequate they are and leave for someone else. Rather than wait for that reality, they'd rather control the inevitability and leave first.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love myself more.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." —GERMAINE GREER

Consistency was never a part of my home during my growing years. Thus, as an adult, I have viewed consistency as boring, preferring to add unnecessary drama to my life. As I look back on this chaos, I realize that accountability and consistency are qualities that will add to my comfort and security.

Never offer him or her friendship. You will be used.

Paying attention to her bodily cues would have forced the girl to admit both her fear and her reluctance to let her mother touch her. This pattern of denial, if not stopped, will continue past childhood. As an adult, she may lack the physical boundaries that would protect her from abuse. She will allow herself to be close to people who are not safe. Saddest of all, she won't even trust her senses to know when abuse is occurring.

Nothing is more hated by a narcissist than an expression of intimacy like, "I love you.

Narcissists identify being loved with being possessed, engulfed, and inevitably discarded.

From the perspective of a narcissist, a person who claims to love them is a fraud, a liar, or blind.

I feel renewed and encouraged as I concentrate less on finding the correct answers to my problems and more on how I am treating myself along the way. As I learn to take care of myself, answers will come.

She knows she has treated Jerry cruelly at times, but she's lost respect for him because, as she states, "He's always there and just keeps coming back. What is the matter with him?" She's just met someone more intriguing at her Twelve Step meeting, and after all, Jerry will be much happier without her.

No one can romance and seduce like a narcissist. If a narcissist sees someone they want, then having "it" becomes a project of massive proportions. This person must be possessed at any cost.

New beginnings don't start with a flourish of music and a round of applause. They start in small increments. Little by little, you notice yourself feeling slightly happier and sleeping a bit better; a glimmer of optimism begins to return. Step by step, your new life begins.

When we can't make sense of the way we are being treated, we wind up distorting our view of ourselves and our relationships.

When we feel incapable of making the situation better, we go into hiding. Out of hopelessness and despair, we become convinced that any opportunity for a meaningful interaction with our beloved is impossible and we lose the ability to reach out.

To let go is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To let go is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is to fear less and love myself more.

All we know about ourselves comes from the way people loved us.

When children focus on their parents and neglect themselves, they never develop the inner resources that help them to know how to feel, think, or behave in a given situation. This is the essence of codependency and a damaged boundary system.

Realizing that their parents can't tolerate anger, sadness, or pain, they learn to ignore and deny those feelings, according to Alice Miller, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child. Expressing these emotions means risking Mom's love or making Dad sick. The emotions become enemies, and are numbed or feared.

Unfortunately, however, people don't change by learning more information. The only way to break a bonding pattern is through honest vulnerability.

Adults who were victims of emotional abuse must learn to trust their feelings. Feelings provide us with an immense amount of wisdom and information. Uncomfortable feelings that may have been dangerous to express in our original families are no longer dangerous. We have a right to be angry when someone offends us. Our fear protects us and even our pain helps us grow. For example, fear helps us know when we are in danger.

Intellectual boundaries are blurred by parents who too tightly control their children's perceptions. Often, children who become dependent on their parents to think for them don't develop intellectual boundaries. This kind of relationship encourages dependency and discourages responsibility.