Quotes from Antonia Macaro

If you are dazzled by the appearance of a promised pleasure, guard yourself against being carried away by it; but let the matter wait, and allow yourself some delay. Then bring to mind both points of time: that in which you will enjoy the pleasure, and that in which you will repent and reproach yourself after you have enjoyed it; and set before you, in opposition to these, how you will rejoice and praise yourself if you abstain.

Seneca: 'You need not raise your hands to heaven; you need not beg the temple keeper for privileged access, as if a near approach to the cult image would give us a better hearing. The god is near you – with you – inside you.

According to existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom: 'Death … itches all the time; it is always with us, scratching at some inner door, whirring softly, barely audibly, just under the membrane of consciousness. Hidden and disguised, leaking out in a variety of symptoms, it is the wellspring of many of our worries, stresses, and conflicts'.

In this way we will be reminded of their true nature and come to a more 'objective' judgement. It is, Marcus says, like: 'seeing roasted meat and other dishes in front of you and suddenly realizing: This is a dead fish. A dead bird. A dead pig. Or that this noble vintage is grape juice, and the purple robes are sheep wool dyed with shellfish blood. Or making love – something rubbing against your penis, a brief seizure and a little cloudy liquid.

It's not by pursuing but by abandoning our desires that real satisfaction can be found.

Seneca has a wealth of such reminders: 'Everything is dangerous and deceptive and more changeable than the weather; everything tumbles about and passes at fortune's behest into its opposite; and in all this tumult of human affairs there is nothing we can be sure of except death alone.' Since there is 'no way to know the point where death lies waiting for you, … you must wait for death at every point'.

When we experience physical or mental pain, the first thing to do is to acknowledge it and allow it to be there simply as a feeling that will pass. A popular and useful acronym to remember is RAIN: Recognise what is happening; Allow the experience to be there; Investigate with kindness; Non-identification. By doing this we can loosen the added layer of suffering and become better able to live with the pain.

One of the most quoted Stoic sayings must surely be Epictetus' (which we first encountered on p. 39): 'People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of things.

The relationship between the calm absorption of meditation and insight is captured with a simile: just like we would not be able to see our reflection in a bowl of water that had been mixed with a dye, or was bubbling over a fire, or was muddy or had algae growing in it, in the same way we need a calm mind to see things clearly.

Chrysippus' questions might be useful. He asked: 'Is there good or bad at hand? Is it appropriate to react?' This could be supplemented with a few more, producing a kind of Chrysippan flowchart:

The advice to simplify our lives brings to mind William Morris' dictum that we should have nothing in our houses that we don't know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. More recently, Marie Kondo has suggested that unless an object 'sparks joy' in our heart, we should get rid of it.

When planning for the future, it might be useful to follow the Stoics' suggestion of adding to our intention a tag like 'if nothing prevents' – a secular version of 'God willing

Could we react as Seneca tried to do? 'I force my mind to pay attention to itself and not to be distracted by anything external. It does not matter what is making a noise outside, so long as there is no turmoil inside – as long as there is no wrangling between desire and fear, as long as greed is not at odds with self-indulgence, one carping at the other. … Only as the mind develops into excellence do we achieve any real tranquillity.

On the question of speaking, Stoics and Buddhists are at one. In Epictetus' words: 'Be mostly silent, or speak merely when necessary, and in few words. We may enter sparingly into conversation sometimes, when the occasion calls for it; but not about any of the common subjects, such as gladiators, or horse races, or athletic champions, or food, or drink – the vulgar topics of conversation; and especially not about individuals, either to blame, or praise, or make comparisons.

In Buddhism, there are different levels of ethical teachings. The basic rules for good conduct are set out in the precepts. There are five precepts for lay people and rather more for monks. For lay people, the precepts advise refraining from: harming living creatures taking what is not given sexual misconduct false speech taking intoxicants that cause heedlessness

The problem with rules, says Seneca, is that 'if we give precepts for specific situations, the task will be endless'. Instead, we should be guided by philosophical principles, which are 'concise and comprehensive'.

Knowledge of precepts and understanding appropriate action can help us to live ethically. But even more important is cultivating what could be called 'calm emotions'. For the Stoics, these were joy, wishing and caution. These are supposed to be a rational alternative to ordinary kinds of emotions: joy replaces pleasure, wishing replaces desire and caution replaces fear.

Where Epictetus advised testing the value of things by asking whether they are in our power, Chrysippus recommended the following two questions: Is there good or bad at hand? Is it appropriate to react? For a Stoic, the answer to the first question would be yes only if it refers to our virtue. Otherwise it would always be no, because nothing external to us is truly good or bad. It follows that the answer to the second question would also be no, it is not appropriate to react.

One discourse celebrates detachment with the image of a rhinoceros: 'One whose mind is enmeshed in sympathy for friends and companions, neglects the true goal. Seeing this danger in intimacy, wander alone like a rhinoceros. … As a deer in the wilds, unfettered, goes for forage wherever it wants: the wise person, valuing freedom, wanders alone like a rhinoceros.

Also, we need to help ourselves before we can benefit others: 'that one who is himself sinking in the mud should pull out another who is sinking in the mud is impossible; that one who is not himself sinking in the mud should pull out another who is sinking in the mud is possible', says the Buddha.

In the Dhammap?da, happiness and unhappiness are said to originate in the mind: 'Speak or act with a corrupted mind, And suffering follows As the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox. … Speak or act with a peaceful mind, And happiness follows Like a never-departing shadow.

Counterintuitive though it may sound, joy can also arise from properly understanding impermanence. The Buddha says: 'When, by knowing the impermanence, change, fading away, and cessation of forms, one sees … with proper wisdom that forms … are all impermanent, suffering, and subject to change, joy arises.

Epictetus, for instance, challenged the idea that we improve solely by reading books and acquiring knowledge. Instead, we should demonstrate that the knowledge has really sunk in: 'A builder does not come and say, "Listen to me talking on the art of building", … but undertakes to build a house and proves by building it that he knows the art.

Taking our knowledge to heart and really living it, however, can be difficult, as Seneca illustrated with a literally colourful analogy: 'Just as some dyes are readily absorbed by the wool, others only after repeated soaking and simmering, so there are some studies that show up well in our minds as soon as we have learned them; this one, though, must permeate us thoroughly. It must soak in, giving not just a tinge of color but a real deep dye, or it cannot deliver on any of its promises.