Quotes from Arbinger Institute

As usual, there aren't enough last minutes.

They're all examples of self-betrayal — times when I had a sense of something I should do for others but didn't do it.

Which brings us back to your question, Tom. In your prior job, when you were thinking that your old boss was a real jerk, were you trying to help him, or was this judgment of him really a way of just helping yourself?

discover you've been in the box. Do keep trying. Don't deny that you've been in the box when you have been. Do apologize; then just keep marching forward, trying to be more helpful to others in the future. Don't focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right to help. Don't worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others.

What must it be like to be the son of someone for whom you can never be good enough?

If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective.

if I'm sure I'm right, there is little hope of seeing where I am failing. So I keep trying the same old things-

The bigger problem was that I couldn't see that I had a problem." Bud paused for a moment, and then, leaning toward me, he said in a lower, even more earnest tone, "There is no solution to the problem of lack of commitment, for example, without a solution to the bigger problem — the problem that I can't see that I'm not committed.

7. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.

Kate's story raises for me an astonishing point, Tom. And that is, when I'm in the box, I need people to cause trouble for me — I actually need problems.

appreciate the time and effort you have devoted to this. You have been pondering your lives in bold ways. I hope you will be both troubled and inspired as a result: troubled because you know that the box is always just a choice away but hopeful for the very same reason because freedom from the box is also just a choice away—a choice that is available to us in every moment.

Merely knowing the material doesn't get you out of the box. Living it does. And we're not living it if we're using it to diagnose others. Rather, we're living it when we're using it to learn how we can be more helpful to others—even

And that is, when I'm in the box, I need people to cause trouble for me — I actually need problems.

The lady who offered us her seat, on the other hand, saw others and the situation clearly, without bias. She saw others as they were, as people like herself, with similar needs and desires. She saw straightforwardly. She was out of the box.

As we've been talking about, no matter what we're doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we're feeling about them on the inside. And how we're feeling about them depends on whether we're in or out of the box concerning them. Let me illustrate that point further with a couple of examples.

The more people we can find to agree with our side of the story, the more justified we will feel in believing that side of the story.

The bigger problem was that I couldn't see that I had a problem.

we and our enemies are perfect for each other. Each of us gives the other reason never to have to change.

Self-betrayal" 1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal." 2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. 3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted.

That's right. The truth is, her faults seemed relevant to whether I should help her only after I failed to help her. I focused on and inflated her faults when I needed to feel justified for mine. After I betrayed myself, the truth was just the opposite of what I thought it was.

What are you afraid of, Lou?" "Afraid? I'm not afraid of anything," Lou

Self-betrayal" 1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal." 2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.

I don't feel the same now. Which means that he hasn't caused me to feel how I've felt. I've always had the choice.

Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we're blind, all the "solutions" we can think of will actually make matters worse. Whether at work or at home, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make