Quotes from John Mendoza

Dating goes in stages. The first is the best. Conversation is new; conversation exists. You go to a restaurant, the girl goes to sit down, the guy pulls the chair out, puts the chair back in. Six, seven months go by: "What? You think I work here? Sit down and don't order the lobster, okay?"

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?

You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

My sister's asthmatic. In the middle of an asthma attack she got an obscene phone call. The guy said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.