Quotes from Judy Carter

In L.A relationships don't last. You go on a vacation and break up by the time you come home. Thank God for one-hour photo, so you can see your vacation photos while you're still in the relationship.

I know that some lesbians are getting pregnant by going to sperm banks. I couldn't do that. I'm exactly like my grandmother, "What? Everything's frozen! Nothing's fresh?"

Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut!

If you are like most human beings, you are one big procrastinator.

Excuse #2: "I'm Shy" Well, so am I. Most stand-ups are very shy in their personal lives, and going onstage is a great outlet. You shy people have a lot of stuff to let out, and the stage gives you an arena in which to vent your repressed criticisms of the world.

you shouldn't give an audience what they want. Give them what you want. Most comics will go down to the audience level to make it work, when in fact what you should be doing is bringing the audience to your level.

You can't and won't be able to make everyone love you. You must go onstage with a passionate desire and the intent to communicate your thoughts and feelings, not just to make people laugh.

When a singer sings, he acts out his feelings. Good comics don't simply tell jokes, they act them out with a very specific emotional attitude. Attitude is the heartbeat of an act. Material cannot be emotionally neutral. Your subject matter has to disgust you, pain you, thrill you, because audiences don't respond to words, they respond to feelings.

Humor is therapeutic. Even if you have no intention of ever getting up on a stage, learning how to turn negative, painful life experiences into comedy routines will give you a new perspective on life. Once you can laugh at something, you can stop crying.

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.