Quotes from Steven Colbert

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Folks, the President needs a break. Hes like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you dont recharge his batteries, he cant suck.