Quotes from Susan Forward

Sok érzelmi zsarnok tapasztalta megdöbbenve, hogy az áldozat megszokott reakciója nélkül az addig jól m?ködÅ' zsarolási technikája kudarcra van ítélve.

Recognizing a problem and seeking help is a sign not only of health but of courage.

The Three P's": Perfectionism, Procrastination, and Paralysis.

Paul's stepfather had implanted in Paul the need to be perfect—Perfectionism. Paul's fear of failing to do things perfectly led him to postpone doing them—Procrastination. But the more Paul put things off, the more they overwhelmed him, and his snowballing fears eventually prevented him from doing anything at all—Paralysis.

You have told the truth about your life to yourself and your parents, and the fear that kept you trapped in your old role with them can no longer control you.

I estimate the number [of incest victims] to be somewhere between ten and twenty million Americans...

It's extremely frustrating when you've worked hard to get to the point of confrontation, but one or both of your parents are dead.

The mother myth gives great cover to unloving mothers, who far too often operate undisturbed while their husbands, other family members, and society deflect any criticism or scrutiny aimed at them. Most societies glorify mothers, as if the mere act of giving birth makes them inherently capable of nurturing. That's simply not true.

When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!

Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words "I love you" are not enough to make up for that. Don't kid yourself that they are.

When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!

Children who are not encouraged to do, to try, to explore, to master, and to risk failure, often feel helpless and inadequate. Over-controlled by anxious, fearful parents, these children often become anxious and fearful themselves. This makes it difficult for them to mature. Many never outgrow the need for ongoing parental guidance and control. As a result, their parents continue to invade, manipulate, and frequently dominate their lives.

Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the toxic parents. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of family members. On an unconscious level, it is hard for family members to know where one ends and another begins. In their efforts to be close, they often suffocate one another's individuality.

Many toxic parents compare one sibling unfavorably with another to make the target child feel that he's not doing enough to gain parental affection. This motivates the child to do whatever the parents want in order to regain their favor. This divide-and-conquer technique is often unleashed against children who become a little too independent, threatening the balance of the family system.

Denial is the lid on our emotional pressure cooker: the longer we leave it on, the more pressure we build up. Sooner or later, that pressure is bound to pop the lid, and we have an emotional crisis.

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do.

It's amazing how people can change behind closed doors.

Enmeshment creates almost total dependence on approval and validation from outside yourself. Lovers, bosses, friends, even strangers become the stand-in for parents. Adults like Kim who were raised in families where there was no permission to be an individual frequently become approval junkies, constantly seeking their next fix.

Criticism is the fountainhead of control.

As long as you continue to react so strongly to them, you give them the power to upset you, which allows them to control you.

Successful adult relationships, whether between lovers or friends, require a significant degree of vulnerability, trust, and openness.

Instead of promoting healthy development, they unconsciously undermine it, often with the belief that they are acting in their child's best interest.

Yet if there's one thing I know with absolute certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won't do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won't make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won't do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road.

Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism. It's vital to reinforce those rights with boundaries.