Quotes from black lewis ii

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'f***' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say "soy juice", you actually start to gag.

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and sh*t aren't flying around.

There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "GOD***N, YA SONOFABITCH!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.

How our government works ... it doesn't.

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!

Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.

I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday.

I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope -- a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out." What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that sh*tty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Each of us is full of sh*t in our own special way. We are all sh*tty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!

I have a pretty good idea that when I am given the final countdown I will not go gentle into that good night. No matter how logical a mind one possesses, when faced with the concept of a black hole without end the synapses rev into overdrive, leaving logic in the dust.

Everybody knew there was a housing bubble. You'd f***ing go to a neighbor, "Gee, that house costed $60,000 last year, and now it costs $600,000?! What did they do?!" "Well, they put a gazebo in the back."

The road to madness is madness.