Quotes from black lewis iii

Money is tight these days, and with the current budget, you have to have a bullet for a head to get so much as a dime.

Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you're in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you're at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a b**ch... I'll have a Jaeger."

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

The democrats blow. The Republicans suck. Or Visa Versa.

The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. F***, I'm at SCHOOL! Can we say it again? I need a second cup."

I also joined a fraternity. That's not a typo, I really did. One of the things about UNC that I didn't realize when I applied was that there were seven guys to every girl. And let's face it, those odds were not going to work much in my favor. The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, the all-women's campus, had five thousand women, and the only way I had a shot at meeting them was by joining a fraternity. I figured if I could get them in a confined space I might have a chance.

Life gets old very quickly, until of course they tell you your number is up, which is when you start paying attention to the precious miracle you are about to lose.

Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say.... He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar ... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table--Michael Jackson!" It works for f***ing anything!

NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog!

You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence what it does ... it's illegal!

Let's face it, we're talking fear here. Fear of the unknown and fear of a known that makes no real sense without some unifying principle that allows us to sleep at night. Organized religions organize themselves around that fear. Each claims to be the one true way to get to heaven. The ultimate fear, of course, is--which door is going to be the gateway to heaven? Door number one or door number two or door number three?

A virus doesn't understand politics.

People always say things happen for a reason, until they disagree with the reason it happened.

Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, "Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!" And then it gets warm and he goes, "Well, f***, time to wake up!"

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself.