Quotes from bombeck erma iii

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.

I figured out long ago that guilt was like mothers. Everyone in the world had at least one. And it was passed down like a torch to the next generation.

It was Halloween that did me in, that single day when your children turn to you for imagination and creativity, the one day of the year when you must transcend fantasy.

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room.

Men return from the facilities and seem embarrassed to discuss where they've been. They never hear any gossip. Never see any celebrities. Never find out if the fish on the menu is frozen or that the blond waitress is married to the drummer, who is jealous. To women, a rest room is an adventure.

You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death.

When the lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.