Quotes from Michael P. Nichols

If you doubt it, try telling someone about a problem you're having and see how long it takes before he interrupts to describe a similar experience of his own or to offer advice—advice that may suit him more than it does you.

We're most reactive to the things we secretly accuse ourselves of.

we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person's need for attention.

The yearning to be heard is a yearning to escape our isolation and bridge the space that separates us.

Nothing hurts more than the sense that the people we care about aren't really listening. We never outgrow the need to have our feelings known.

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgement and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person

If you don't listen to yourself, it's unlikely that anyone else will. Listening to yourself means not only respecting your own feelings but also getting to know something about your style of communicating.

Being listened to means that we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are recognized, and, ultimately, that what we have to say matters.

The essence of good listening is empathy, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and entering into the experience of the other person.

Just as it hurts not to be listened to when you're excited about something special, it's painful not to feel listened to by someone special, someone you expect to care about you.

When we learn to hear the unspoken feelings beneath someone's anger or impatience, we discover the power to release the bitterness that keeps people apart. With a little effort, we can hear the hurt behind expressions of hostility, the resentment behind avoidance, and the vulnerability that makes people afraid to speak or truly listen.

We are most reactive to the things we secretly accuse ourselves of

Sometimes people appear to be listening but aren't really hearing. Some people are good at being silent when we talk. Sometimes they betray their lack of interest by glancing around and shifting their weight back and forth. At other times, however, listeners show no sign of inattention, but still we know they aren't really hearing what we have to say. It feels like they don't care.

But sometimes not being responded to leaves us feeling so hurt and angry that it can make us retreat from relationships, even for years.

Other people's reactions often seem unreasonable to us. What makes their reactions reasonable to them is feeling wounded by a lack of responsiveness.

Being Heard Means Being Taken Seriously

Attention must be paid.