Quotes from Bradley Trevor Greive

They (penguins) then fall madly in love and live happily ever after. - And so you ask yourself: "If a penguin can have a worthwhile, stimulating relationship, why the hell can't I?" - Or maybe you ask yourself: "Would I be happier if I started dating a penguin

Why do we go on and on about individuality being the very essence of who we are, and then accept a degrading level of conformity in virtually every facet of our lives?

May your excuses for avoiding tedious social engagements always sound credible. "... and so, having just given our cat an emergency circumcision, it seemed inappropriate to arrive late to your son's bris.

Like well-adjusted children, dogs require significant training and supervision. They must be fed, watered, and exercised every single day. They need love, lots and lots of love, and they need to know you are there for them. In other words, caring for a dog is not a hobby or a part-time responsibility – it's a real relationship. This is somewhat true of cats, as well. The relationship maybe weirdly one-sided and kind of embarrassing, but you still have to turn up.

How could such adoration and devotion ever be a bad thing? Because so many dog owners are unworthy of it. We are shamed by our dog's loyalty, and we know, deep in our hearts, we will never measure up to it. In a fractured, impersonal world like ours, such a precious gift should be treasured, and yet so many of us take it for granted. Worse of all, we turn it against our dogs, repaying loyalty with mistreatment and neglect.

A dog's demonstrative behavior, far from indicating any inability to reason, is a measure of their enormous compassion, optimism, hope, and a capacity for forgiveness that should leave us all withered with shame.

One dark day we will wake to find a suffocating blanket of cats has covered the entire globe like a mewling funeral shroud.

Caring for a dog, on the other hand, requires a great deal more effort. It's not nearly as challenging as raising a child, but it's a whole lot harder than making pizza from scratch. The rewards are far greater, but so is the mess.

In modern history has one central tenet, it is that the masses will embrace anything if it's cheap and easy. This is our fundamental weakness and will almost certainly lure the entire human race to its doom. Thermonuclear Armageddon would require far too much cerebral effort – our collective fate is a bear trap baited with a cheeseburger.

Dogs consistently win the part of square-jawed hero and sympathetic ear, while cats compete vigorously with British character actors for the role of effete villain, whining sidekick, and insufferable snob. Is this grossly unfair? I think not. By deed and association, cats have won a most unenviable reputation due to their predilection for uncivil disobedience and conditional affection.

But not all cat lovers are pudgy, masochistic loners who lack energy and self-respect to have a dog. Some are simply evil.