Quotes from Henry Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.