Quotes from The Arbinger Institute

We are all surrounded by other autonomous people who don't always behave as we'd like.

The most important move consists of my putting down my resistance and beginning to act in the way I want the other person to act.

Would our organizations be better off if all of us were to turn outward in our work with each other? Yes. But this preferred state can be reached only if some are willing to change even when others do not—and to sustain the change whether or not others reciprocate.

Think about our workplaces, for example. Think of the privileges we may retain for ourselves while we apply other standards to those who work for us

the differences between what we have to do to get something to happen and what everyone else in our organization has to do. Which of these are necessary or unavoidable, and which of them do we retain because we think we are better than others, more vital, and deserve special treatment?

being able to operate with an outward mindset when others do not is a critically important ability. It is the most important move.

Because most who are trying to put an end to injustice only think of the injustices they believe they themselves have suffered. Which means that they are concerned not really with injustice but with themselves. They hide their focus on themselves behind the righteousness of their outward cause.

If we have deep problems, it's because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.

In fact, what obscures vision and exposes people to more risk is not an outward mindset, which stays fully alive to and aware of others, but an inward one, which turns its attention away from others while simultaneously provoking resistance.

people who consistently work with an outward mindset excel in three ways that those who work with an inward mindset do not. They 1. see the needs, objectives, and challenges of others 2. adjust their efforts to be more helpful to others 3. measure and hold themselves accountable for the impact of their work on others

A related reason why people resist making the most important move is that they think an outward mindset will make them soft when hard behavior is required. But this is a misunderstanding. As we've said, an outward mindset doesn't make people soft; it just makes them open, curious, and aware. Similarly, an inward mindset doesn't make people hard. In fact, people whose mindsets are inward often engage in behaviors that are softer than would actually be helpful.

The question for you as the leader is whether you are going to create an environment that is as enjoyable for your people as it is for you—a place that they are as excited about and devoted to as you are. The best leaders are those whom people want to follow. We have a different word for people whom others follow only because of force or need. We call them tyrants.

Remember, the principle to apply is, as far as I am concerned, the problem is me. I am the place to start. Others' responses will depend mostly on what they see in me. The most important move is for me to make the most important move.

Mulally pointed to ten BPR rules he had posted on the wall of the room3: • People first • Everyone is included • Compelling vision • Clear performance goals • One plan • Facts and data • Propose a plan, "find-a-way" attitude • Respect, listen, help, and appreciate each other • Emotional resilience … trust the process • Have fun … enjoy the journey and each other

COLLUSION: A conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they're fighting against

we are always seeing others either as objects—as obstacles, for example, or as vehicles or irrelevancies—or we are seeing them as people.

Ask yourself the following questions: Have I (or we) thought this through with an outward mindset? Do I understand the needs, objectives, and challenges of those involved? Have I adjusted my efforts in light of those issues? And have I been holding myself accountable for my impact on these people? Have you considered what mindset-level changes might be necessary in addition to behavioral changes?

we construct our boxes through a lifetime of choices. Every time we choose to pull away from and blame another, we necessarily feel justified in doing so, and we start to plaster together a box of self-justification, the walls getting thicker and thicker over time.

The issue, of course, is not the mountain, whether that mountain is the dishes or the lawn or the title; or whether, for that matter, the mountain is Mount Moriah itself. No, the issue lies beneath the mountain in the realities in our hearts that make these mountains our battlegrounds.

The most successful negotiators understand the other side's concerns and worries as much as their own. But who is more likely to be able to consider and understand the other side's positions so fully—the person who sees others as objects or the person who sees them as people?

my leadership effectiveness is measured not by what I am able to accomplish but by what those whom I lead are able to accomplish.

if I had been raised in a critical or demanding environment, it might have been easier for me, relatively speaking, to find refuge in worse-than or need-to-be-seen-as justifications. Those who were raised in affluent or sanctimonious environments, on the other hand, may naturally gravitate to better-than and I-deserve justifications, and so on. Need-to-be-seen-as boxes might easily arise in such circumstances as well.

Whether we find justification in how we are worse or in how we are better, we can each find our way to a place where we have no need for justification at all. We can find our way to peace—deep, lasting, authentic peace—even when war is breaking out around us.

when our hearts are at war, we can't see clearly. We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace.