Quotes from Karl Pillemer

What's the secret to a long, happy marriage?" was essentially, "I married my best friend." Similarly, from those whose marriages did not succeed, I often heard, "Well, we were good at love, but we never learned how to be friends.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE many who are richer or more distinguished than I am, so if my purpose in working is to attain these extrinsic rewards, I will be disappointed, for I will always compare myself to those whose attainments are greater. But if I work principally for the pleasure or the fulfillment it gives me, my success is assured. There are few blessings greater than finding such work and keeping it.

That's kind of sad, but at the same time, without all of that drama in my life, I don't have the stress.

What the experts suggest is that you look for the qualities of a friend—the capacity to comfortably "hang out"—in the person you choose to marry. Or as one of the experts told me: "Think back to the playground when you were a kid. Your spouse should be that kid you wanted most to play with!

Achieving the reconciliation taught her critically important lessons about how to meet her own needs while accepting differences and showing compassion to others.

Life isn't fair. I believe it is important to have arms outstretched, holding one hand up to the person who is giving you a lift up, and one hand down, giving someone else a helping hand up.

Patty Banas, eighty, is one of the experts who made a go of a first marriage when young, divorced, and then "got it right" in her very happy second marriage. She too had one straightforward recommendation: BE SURE THAT YOU'RE really good friends. That is the most important thing. All the romance and the bells and the whistles are all very nice, but it doesn't last. Be sure that you're very good friends.

The only way you can make a marriage work is to have both parties give 100 percent all the time." It began to make sense: you can't be calculating 50 percent in, 50 percent back. The attitude has to be one of giving freely. And if you start keeping score, you are already in trouble.

Ask yourself before entering into a spousal argument: Is this really worth it?

When you wake up in the morning, think, "What can I do to make her day or his day just a little happier?

Based on their long experiences both in and out of love relationships, their first lesson is this: you are much more likely to have a satisfying marriage for a lifetime when you and your mate are fundamentally similar.