Quotes from Thomas Gordon

It is one of those simple but beautiful paradoxes of life: When a person feels that he is truly accepted by another, as he is, then he is freed to move from there and to begin to think about how he wants to change, how we wants to grow, how he can become different, how he might become more of what he is capable of being.

Parents are blamed but not trained.

Parents can raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative without relying on the weapon of fear; they can learn how to influence children to behave out of genuine consideration for the needs of parents rather than out of fear of punishment or withdrawal of privileges.

Most parents hate to experience conflict, are deeply troubled when it occurs, and are quite confused about how to handle it constructively. Actually, it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person's needs did not conflict with the other's. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently, have different needs and wants that sometimes do not match.

Power suppresses creativity and productivity; it is hazardous to the health and well-being of both the controller and the controllee. Power generates the forces that will inevitably destroy or replace it; power bites its own tail; it stifles creative dissent; it extinguishes trust, fellowship, intimacy, and love; power entraps the controller as it enslaves the controllee.

Active Listening provides parents with a way of moving in and offering to help the child define the problem for herself, and starting up the process of problem-solving within the child.

Much of the rebellion of today's adolescents can be attributed to parents and other adults who put pressure on them to modify behavior that the kids feel is their own business. Children do not rebel against adults—they rebel against adults' attempts to take away their freedom.

Readers who have owned animals will appreciate how difficult it would be to train a dog to play exclusively in his own yard, to fetch his sweater whenever he sees it is raining outside, or to be generous in sharing his dog biscuits with other dogs. Yet these same people would not even question the feasibility of trying to use reward and punishment to teach their children the same behaviors.

Parents report that Active Listening when a child is hurt and cries vigorously frequently brings about a dramatic and instantaneous cessation of the crying, once the child is certain her parent knows and understands how badly she feels or how much she is afraid. For the child, getting this understanding of her feelings is what she needs most.

I often tell parents, "Don't want your child to become something in particular; just want him to become." With such an attitude parents will inevitably find themselves feeling more and more accepting of each child and experiencing joy and excitement watching each become.

Parents can modify themselves, and reduce the number of behaviors that are unacceptable to them, by coming to see that their children are not their children, not extensions of themselves, but separate, unique. A child has the right to become what he is capable of becoming, no matter how different from the parent or the parent's blueprint for the child. This is his inalienable right.

You have created a life, now let the child have it. Let him decide what he wants to do with the life you gave him

Parents who satisfy their own needs through independent productive effort not only accept themselves but also needn't seek gratification of their needs from the way their children behave. They don't need their children to turn out in a particular way. People with high self-esteem, resting on a firm foundation of their own independent achievement, are more accepting of their children and the way they behave.

An accepting parent is willing to let a child develop his own "program" for life; a less accepting parent feels a need to program the child's life for him.

If a parent has no other source of self-worth and self-esteem, which is unhappily true of many parents whose lives are limited to raising "good" children, the stage is set for a dependency on children that makes the parent overanxious and severely needful that the children behave in particular ways.

A jó kapcsolatok, sok egyéb mellett Å'szinteségrÅ'l, nyíltságról, megértésrÅ'l, és demokráciáról szólnak.

The lesson for parents is that they can be helpful consultants to their children—they can share their ideas, experience, wisdom—if they remember to act like an effective consultant so they do not get fired by the clients whom they wish to help.

Parents who want children to value nonviolence in human relations will seem like hypocrites when they use physical punishment to "discipline." I recall a poignant cartoon depicting a father spanking his son over his knee, shouting, "I hope this teaches you not to go around hitting your baby brother!

When children strongly resist attempts to modify behavior that they feel won't interfere with the parents' needs, their behavior is no different from that of adults. No adult wants to modify her behavior when she is convinced that it is not hurting someone else. Adults as well as children will fight vigorously to maintain their freedom when they feel someone is pushing them to change behavior that is not interfering with the other person.

When family conflicts occur over issues involving cherished values, beliefs, and personal tastes, parents may have to handle these differently, because frequently kids are not willing to put these issues on the bargaining table or enter into problem-solving. This does not mean parents need to give up trying to influence their children by teaching them values. But to be effective, they will have to use a different approach.