Quotes from Katherine Mayfield

The reason that taking care of others doesn't work is that no one knows what another person needs to feel nourished (unless they can tell us clearly and directly, and in dysfunctional families, they usually don't). We end up guessing: "Oh, I think this would help." "It seems to me that he needs that." But we can't guess what would truly nourish another person. He or she may not even know themselves.

But remember that this is a dysfunctional pattern, born of misunderstanding and misinterpretation. We can't know what others truly need, but with a little investigation, we can find out what nourishes us, and place our focus there. Then we become a role model for others – when we see someone nourishing themselves, we tend to allow more space in our lives to do that for ourselves.

Trust yourself. You are the only person who knows what nourishes you. Happy creating! And may the Force be with you.

What all of this means for people who've grown up in dysfunctional families or traumatic or abusive situations is that the world they live in—the reality they inhabit—is very different from the world of people who have been cared for, supported, and loved. This is why people who have grown up in supportive, close-knit families often can't understand why those of us who were abused may have such trouble with relationships or with life itself.

The way to change your reality to a more positive one is to reach down inside yourself to that smallest, youngest part of you who lives with one foot in your conscious mind and one in your subconscious, and help that "inner child" understand that the way he or she views the world is based on the family dynamics that were in place early in life, but is not necessarily "reality.

As an adult, you have enough knowledge and life experience to take good care of yourself, and you don't need to blindly follow childhood rules any longer in order to keep yourself safe.

When a child carries unspoken rules into adulthood, he or she may try to determine what others are thinking based on their behavior rather than their words, and because behavior can be based on a variety of motivations, this can cause blocks in communication.

Everyone in the family knows the "invisible" rules, and the behavior of all family members is based on them. But taking those unspoken rules into adulthood can create misunderstandings and misinterpretations when communicating with anyone who is not part of the family.

If a child grows to adulthood without examining the view of life, self, and the world he or she grew up with, it's likely that quite a bit of this early "programming" will still affect the adult's opinion of self and the way in which he or she sees and interacts with the world. This can sometimes place limitations on how well the person copes with life and what they can accomplish.

Criticism is really nothing but one person's opinion raised to the level of "the way it is." It's designed to control, either through making the criticized person conform, or by making them feel guilty or ashamed.

You might also try making a list of your parents' values and beliefs, and follow the above procedure, making a list of your own values and beliefs to compare. If your parents valued a spotless house, do you truly value the same thing, or do you have a different value? Maybe you'd rather meet your friends and have fun, and clean once a month instead of once a week. That's perfectly fine—everyone has different values.

In functional families, children are encouraged by parents, and as they become adults, they internalize those supportive voices so that the positive messages are with them for their entire lives. In the same way, those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families internalized the negative, critical voices, which haunt us until we decide we're not going to listen to them any more.

There are always options in life—and you may not have been aware of that up until now, because there often are not a lot of options in a dysfunctional family. Be open to other options and new possibilities as much as you can, and know that you can trust yourself to handle whatever comes up.

Most people in the world will not treat you the same way your dysfunctional family did. It takes a while to begin to see that the world is different than the family atmosphere. The more time you can spend thinking about what you want, noticing what situations in the present remind you of the past and releasing the related emotions, and encouraging yourself in what you most want to do, the more quickly you can heal from the past.

We can only become enlightened by acknowledging and releasing what weighs us down: the shadow aspect of the psyche that carries the burden of the past.

Remember that you can't fix other people's problems. Nothing you do will remove the misery they feel, if they don't want to let go of it. Being a scapegoat or whipping post for someone else's anger, frustration, grief, or misery is really only enabling them to stay in the same old patterns. There's absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from a difficult situation and getting on with your life. I wish you peace and healing.