Quotes from burr billy

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"

Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.'

I thought I became a comedian because I loved comedy and I liked making people laugh. But I became a comedian because by the time I was 23, I was so walled-off and f*cked-up that doing stand-up was the easiest way to go into a room full of strangers and make them like me so that no one would hurt me. I was onstage with the mindset of a 6-year-old from 23 to about 37.

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you. You don't need to go out of your way to sabotage yourself or get a friggin' drug habit or date a psycho.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs?

Sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon.

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know -- the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, "You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody."

You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober.