Quotes from Susan Quilliam

For love may be wonderful, but it demands time, space, energy and a willingness to accommodate.

While very small, unless our childhood was damaged, those around us did their best to keep us absolutely safe, warm, cared for, loved. We leave that behind as we grow to adulthood, but we'll always be looking for it again, always be wanting to recreate the security and the validation that was ours in the early years. 'In love' holds out the promise that our beloved will make us the centre of their world, and for ever. No wonder it's an obsessive compulsion. We

The more established we are in our world, the less flexibility we have for allowing a partner into that world.

The issue of fortuitous encounters brings us to an interesting double standard here. We may recoil in horror at the thought of haphazard chance determining our future life partner, but label that chance `destiny` and we're entranced by the prospect. On one hand we feel the need to be in control of our romantic choices; on the other hand the thought of losing control can be hugely seductive.

Sex is one of the arenas where a person is most themselves, and reveals that self most early and openly in a relationship

sex which involves a healthy balance between physical pleasure and emotional bonding might be called 'synchrony sex' and reflects a secure tendency. Sex used largely for comfort and as a way to calm doubts or conflicts, which Johnson terms 'solace sex', suggests a

tendency to be anxious. Sex that is self-focussed, performance-oriented, with little emotional openness, could be labelled 'sealed off' sex; it signals avoidant tendencies. I would add that energetic, forceful, 'fight it all out' passion is what one might call 'squabble sex' and might reflect an attacking tendency.

you mixed all four together what you'd get would be sex labelled 'normal

Values: what makes our existence most worthwhile: safety, excitement, social recognition, happiness, self-respect, status. •   Life goals: the achievements we crave during a lifetime: career success, financial security, travel, adventure, marriage, children. •   Personality: a combination of character and temperament: honesty, mental acuity, kindness, generosity, bravery, commitment to hard work.

The real challenge is that we grow. Partner choice is a self-development journey, driving us to learn more about ourselves, about other people, about life and the way we want to live it. Take all that on board and we start to realize just how big an adventure choosing a partner is.

So what is this responsiveness? Here's a definition which you may find useful: 1. Being able to notice, pay attention to, reflect on, soothe and express our own emotions. 2. Being able to notice, pay attention to, reflect on, soothe and respond to a partner's emotions. 3. Being able to reflect on and discuss the interaction between 1 and 2. 4. Being able to do all the above even when a partner can't, won't or doesn't want to.

The first amber question to ask is this. Is now the right time to be seeking a committed relationship? There are many life situations, temporary transitions and extended periods where being single is essential.

It's said that the best thing in life is to be happily partnered and the next best thing is to be happily single