Quotes from Kim Gruenenfelder

I'm tired of waiting by the phone, and second-guessing what a guy says and trusting someone not to hurt me. Again. I've been storming the relationship castle for fifteen years, and I still don't have my prince. I've got a bunch of battle scars from the field and I want to go home and nurse my wounds. I don't want to fight anymore.

Men aren't stupid, and you don't need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you. Here's the only rule you need: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.

Don't be jealous of anyone. I guarantee you, if everyone walked into a room, and dumped their problems onto the floor, when they saw what everyone else's problems were, they'd be scrambling to get their own problems back before someone else got to them first.

There comes a moment in your life when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be fluent in Spanish. Or go on that African safari you've read about since you were a kid. Or be as excited as you used to be about catching fireflies. I keep trying to find my answer to life - and it gets more elusive the older I get.

There should be a phone service that turns off your phone between midnight and six A.M. every night. And if you want to make a call, you have to pick up the phone and talk to an operator: Put me through to AAA. My car battery's dead. Yes, ma'am. Put me through to Pink Dot. I need vanilla Häagen-Dazs toute de suite! Yes, ma'am. Put me through to my ex-boyfriend... I'm sorry, ma'am, the operator would say. That would be a bad idea. Now you go to bed before you do anything stupid.

If you were advising your great-granddaughter about the man you have a crush on at this moment-what would you tell her? Would you be protective, and tell her to kick this man to the curb because he's treating her so badly, or would you tell her to hold on to this man for dear life? Now, why aren't you taking your own advice?

I languish around in my life, never quite doing what I set out to do. I am tired of being a silver medalist, and tired of fighting uphill battles that I only sort of win.

You should never have a job that you hate so much you think "Thank God it's Friday" every week of your life.

When women break up, more than half the time what we man is, "I need this relationship to change." Or, "I need you to change." When men break up, what they mean is, "I want to break up.

Love is constantly saying you're sorry, even when you know damn well you're right.

Work hard. Be nice. Hurt no one.

I'm going to get even, I swear I will. Mark my words, I'm a pregnant cranky woman with insomnia. I have time to plot my revenge.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for a while.

I only attend church for hatches, matches, and dispatches.

God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me? Just look at a zebra and tell me what was going on in His mind that day.

Here's to finally finding the one whose T-shirts you want to steal for the rest of your life.

If people could unfuck, they'd do it every day.

I don't love you in the way you want to be loved. But never doubt that it's there. I love you unconditionally.

Some days are a total "What the hell was I thinking?

Most of us are so focused on the day-to-day struggles of life that we lose track of our long term goals. But then one day we look in the mirror and think, 'Who the hell is that?

Even her hair is exhausting. She calls it "Auburn Balayage." I call it wasting six hundred dollars every six weeks to pretend that at forty-four she has the same hair she did at eighteen.

Women's lib does not mean imitating men's worst qualities just so we can lower ourselves and be equal to them.

Emotionally, it's better to be homicidal than suicidal. When you're upset with a guy, at least know which way to point the gun.

Trying to write on a deadline is like trying to have an orgasm with a gun to your head.