Quotes from Terrence Real

Stan's well-meaning but misguided loyalty to "sorting things out," that is, to determining the one right reality about it (which was, of course, his), deprived them both of moments like the one they are having now in my office: moments of repair.

resolution comes only by giving up that dream and taking in that you and your partner are not, in fact, going to see all things the same way.

to move beyond some part of you, you must first get to know it and ultimately befriend it.

Neurobiologists tell us that it takes two things to unlock and open up a neural pathway. The first is that the implicit must be made explicit. Sometimes you need help seeing what you don't see. But you must be open to the feedback. Second, there must be some sort of recoil, a sense of discrepancy, of "Oh no, I'm not sure I really want to keep doing that.

Our human brains—in fact, most mammals' brains—are built for co-regulation.

Generally, they're cut off from their emotions. Without ancillary help from a grown-up's nervous system, they did—and still do—find emotions, theirs and often yours, overwhelming.

What determines when we stay wise rather than lurch into reactivity? Current research shows clearly that it's determined by our subjective sense of safety or its lack.

Despite all of their flaws and difficulties, these men don't want to walk out on their own lives, leave their wives and children. They want to come home.

Paul, as a child, missed out on synchronicity.

No generation in history has taken so seriously issues of health and well-being—both for ourselves and our children. And yet, nonetheless, we have never been lonelier. Our sense of community is breaking down, our sense of belonging has seldom felt weaker, and, silhouetted against this backdrop, couples that once loved one another have never had a more difficult time holding fast.

Women marry men hoping they will change. They don't. Men marry women hoping they won't change. They do.

true liberation is freedom from our own automatic responses.

Most of us try to get more of what we want from our partners by complaining when they don't get it right. That's got to be about the worst behavioral modification program I've ever heard of.

to live relationally, ecologically, you must first learn to identify your repeating pattern, your choreography, which you can describe simply in terms of the more…the more.

Men are not raised to be intimate, they're raised to be competitive performers...

Traditional socialization teaches young boys to filter their sense of self-worth through performance.

the only person who can with absolute consistency be there for our inner children is us. And that's okay. That's enough. Once we learn how to do it.

The paradox for boys is that in order to be worthy of connection they must prove themselves invulnerable, button down warriors in the world's emotional market place.

In the world of boys and men you're either a winner or a loser, one up or one down in control or controlled, man enough or a girl.

It has been said that there are two types of couples in the world—those who fight and those who distance. I'd add a third type: those who do both. One rails while the other shuts down. Hailstorm and tortoise.

It's about changing the way you see yourself in relation to your partner so that your life is neither a desert nor a battle.

We all marry our unfinished business. We all marry our mothers and fathers. And in our closest relationships, we become our mothers and fathers.

I'm a couples therapist specializing in male psychology, gender issues, trauma, and power.

It teaches men, women, and nonbinary people how to live skilled relational lives—lives of radically honest, fearlessly assertive, passionate connection to themselves and to those they love.