Quotes from Tim Collins

Today I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend,and she agreed. I sank my teeth into her neck and drank from her jugular in the library at lunchtime. She's agreed to join me as a vampire and she's moving in next week. April Fool!

Today was so pointless that when I tried to write about it a moment ago, my pen ran out because it couldn't take the boredom.

I've glued the letter directly into my diary, as it's so staggeringly imbecilic that any attempt to summarize its contents would make my brain leak out through my ears.

Hear that, Mr. De Pfeffel Cantab or whatever your name is? That's the sound of the villa in the South of France you could have bought crumbling to dust.

Motorcycle camping is an evolution and can take a lifetime to perfect.

Anubis – A god with a man's body and the head of a dog or jackal.

The harsh wind of the Egyptian desert is even worse than the harsh wind of the Egyptian pharaoh.

What a strange god to worship. I'm sure he's great at answering your prayers, as long as you want a stick fetching or a cat chasing away.

I must make sure I'm not around when Dad gets that.

And how does my leg feel after all that so-called treatment? Worse, of course.

I wandered around for hours, dodging falling poo in alleyways