Quotes from Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Our family of origin—the source of our first blueprint for navigating relationships.

Our first family: where we learned (not) to speak.

When we believe we won't get through to the offending party, we often increase the intensity and lengthen our arguments. This does not help---and usually hurts. We may not recognize that our tone of voice or the sheer number of sentences may be the culprit.

To guard against the intolerable feeling of shame, we may fold ourselves up and hide in the darkest corner. We may apologize for taking up too much space or for using up too much of the valuable oxygen in the room. Or we may do the opposite and flip shame into contempt, arrogance, a need to control, and displays of one-upmanship, dominance, and superiority. In the latter case the person may be hell-bent on not apologizing to anybody.

When women equate requesting a behavioral change with trying to teach the proverbial pig to sing, we don't strengthen our voice. Instead, we get sucked in by the latest research findings about how male and female brains are different, so men can't really be expected to pick up their socks. It feels easier to give up and adapt to unfair circumstances, despite the enormous long-term toll of making such accommodations.