Quotes from leno jay ii

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

A 66-year-old deputy U. S. attorney general in South Carolina named Roland Corning lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.

We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.

You know how you can tell if a gas station is price-gouging? If the sign says "Open".

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.

ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3-D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.