Quotes from Heidi Joyce

Why does women's underwear have lace and flowers all over it? You never see men's underwear with a big wrench in the middle of it.

I used to be driven, but I pulled over.

I can't stand makeup commercials. "Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?" No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

I can't believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we're not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.

There's a lot to do when you have a baby. The first thing, which is taking me a really long time: I have to figure out who the father is.

We planned this beautiful, totally natural, unmedicated delivery. What kind of stupid-ass idea is that? Next time I want the epidural at the moment of conception. Numb for nine months.