Quotes from lerner harriet

If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.

The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.

The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible.

Throughout evolutionary history, anxiety and fear have helped every species to be wary and to survive. Fear can signal us to act, or, alternatively, to resist the impulse to act. It can help us to make wise, self-protective choices in and out of relationships where we might otherwise sail mindlessly along, ignoring signs of trouble.

If you're married to an entrenched non-apologizer, it won't help to doggedly demand one. Some folks lack the self-esteem required to take responsibility for their less than honorable behaviors, feel remorse, and offer a heartfelt apology. And many people are so hard on themselves for the mistakes they make, they don't have the emotional room to admit vulnerability and apologize to a partner.

Don't count on the power of your love or your nagging to create something that wasn't there to begin with.

Judging people for whom they love (a same sex partner) rather than by whom they harm, should in itself merit a psychiatric diagnosis.

Fear has never helped anybody make good choices. It leads to clinging when we should be walking.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.

Many marriages would be saved if we would only listen with the same passion that we feel about wanting to be heard.

No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human.

Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness.

When you can't see yourself objectively, you won't see anyone else objectively, either.

Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.

We're vulnerable to repeating history, especially if we don't know what's driving us. For example, it may be a family tradition to marry someone with addiction problems, or who is an injured bird in need of caretaking. Or, you may be drawn to guys who remind you of your distant, unavailable father -- or your ill-tempered mother -- with the unconscious belief that you can take an old story, and through the power of your love, give it a new, happy ending.