Quotes from letterman david

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust -- and that's just the drinking water.... Here in New York City, the leaves turn -- and run.

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.

And how about Jennifer Lopez in that dress at the Golden Globes? The referees ruled it incomplete.

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout.