Quotes from letterman david ii

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

Be careful if you go to Disneyland. There's an outbreak of measles. They have traced the disease to Donald Duck running around without his pants.

Yesterday was going to be a historic blizzard. And when you get information like this, you make mistakes. Boy, is my face red. Last night, at the last minute before the supermarket closed, I wrestled a lady for the last Lean Cuisine.

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections."

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.