Quotes from letterman david iii

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"

The new Dennis Rodman doll is $19.95, assault and battery not included.

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.