Quotes from Louie Anderson

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.'

I have about 1,000 hours of myself on tape in a vault in Los Angeles. But I also have a photographic memory about my jokes, because they're really about me; they're my stories.

I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.

You know you're getting older when the first thing you do after you're done eating is look for a place to lie down.

My father would say things that make no sense, like, "If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me."

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

Sadly, no one in our family ever said, "I love you." Do you realize that? The truth is, I think we were all frightened of saying it, since the obvious reply would've been. "Well, if this is love, what is hate like?

When you're young, you do drugs that could kill you. When you get old, you just want drugs that can keep you alive. Full circle, baby.

Life is finite. (Duh.) Time is valuable. (Ditto.) And so am I. I'm valuable. I'm starting to treat myself as valuable.

At some point you have to park your past and put yellow caution tape around it so you don't keep going back to it. Because there's nothing like lounging around in your past and all that self-pity.

The mind wanders when it's never totally satisfied.

Anyway, Lisa probably said it best: "We made our own happiness but I don't think we were a happy family.

I wonder how many people look at their own lives as having an arc, and live their lives accordingly, given the built-in certainty of cancellation. We're all going to get canceled someday. We just don't know how many seasons we'll be around for.

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.