Quotes from Hasan Minhaj

I'm addicted to chocolate chip cookies. I mean that seriously. If there are chocolate chip cookies, I will devour them.

Funny and sad are two sides of the same coin. I think that most comedians are able to tap into deep subject matter.

Comedy is very disarming. It's a way to talk about things and still be light-hearted. And when it's done really well, you never see the strings, whereas when you watch an infomercial or a politician speaking, a lot of times you can see the strings, you can see what agenda they're trying to push.

I've experienced Islamophobic stuff. But I don't care - you can say whatever you want to say about me, but I am who I am. I think that what I'm trying to fight for and what I'm performing for is bigger than any religion, race, creed, or class.

Even the president is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment.

People still assume the White House Correspondents' Association works for the White House, when in reality, it's a group of journalists who cover the White House. It's a branding thing, but because it has the 'White House' before it, people think they're just King Joffrey's goons.

Whoever has the best take is what matters. My challenge is finding the best take, and it'll always be that.

I had a huge Indian wedding, and I did it for my wife, and I did it for my white friends.

When you immerse yourself in a community, you tend to rise in that community.

There's all sorts of terrible things that happen around the world. And comedy's one of those few things where you can discuss those things.

America's unique ability to change and be super flexible is pretty dope, man. It's pretty incredible. And that's what I want to contribute to.

Racism has a very quick expiration date when exposed to actual contact with people.

A lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much, which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he's not doing when he's golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt!

It is 2017, and we are living in the golden age of lying.

I had been cut from the basketball team every year. But I was like, 'I can turn it around! Michael Jordan made it!' You see it a lot of times - you'll have an athlete that you love, and then they'll be like, 'I also want to rap,' and you're like, 'Don't do that.' I was that kid.

If you and I believe two different things, I can attack you verbally all day, but if I can make you laugh and show you the absurdity of your argument, it will lower you guard. People let you in then.

I've found the 90-10 rule to be pretty true: 90 percent of what I come up with and write down is kinda 'eh,' and then somehow, someway, 10 percent of it happens to work out really great in my act.

Every time Trump goes golfing, the headline should read, 'Trump Goes Golfing. Apocalypse Delayed.'

Being healthy is the crown that only the sick can see. A lot of times, we take it for granted.

If you want a great replacement, like, who can follow Barack and still have that swag, that charisma, that charm and be historic - I think it would be Tina Fey for president.

Sean Spicer has somehow been doing PR since 1999, which is 18 years. Somehow, after 18 years, his go-to move was denying the Holocaust.

The story that I'm telling in 'Homecoming King' about falling in love, these are things that happened to me - that actually happen every day in our backyards and in our communities.

I'm a huge fan of Beverly Cleary.

I like to have straight-up black coffee, but when you get it, sometimes you'll burn your tongue, or it spills on your hands, and you get third degree burns. I happen to be the kind of human being who doesn't want to sue coffee companies for money, so I just say, 'Hey, can you give me some coffee, but can you also give me like, eight ice cubes.'