Quotes from Frankie Boyle

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

Supporting Celtic, waving a tricolour because your parents are Irish - that's a valid culture.

I have some friends who are comedians but not many.

Comedians shame people.

We live in a country where posting 'Let's riot or something bruv!' on Facebook will get you a couple of years in prison, while writing a column saying we should bomb Syria is practically an entrance exam for public intellectuals.

Bombing Syria will achieve nothing.

I can make a joke pointing out that David Cameron told off Sri Lanka for human rights abuses committed with weapons Britain sold it - like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.

In the future we will all be famous for 15 minutes. It will be on a daytime magazine programme and we will each wear a tasteful shirt and slacks combination. We'll be interviewed by a soothing voice under a clock that's permanently set to 4pm. We will talk about the weather. We will record for months to get 15 minutes they can use in the edit.

The Internet shows me how limited my interests are - there's everything out there and I'm still looking at what the weather's going to be like in Scotland.

Creationists have often made me doubt evolution, but probably not in the way they think.

I'm not cynical at all.

Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Comedy is a terrible way to meet women. It's certainly a way to start talking to them, but they always have preconceptions about you.

We live in a culture built on debt, so we are encouraged to have no self control.

If you feel more emotion looking at a picture of queuing lorries than a picture of desperate humans living in a lay-by, you need to check your bedtime routine for someone beating you round the head with a meat tenderiser.

The No 1 priority in TV comedy today is 'don't frighten the horses,' and it's probably No 2 and 3 as well.

Having our privacy exposed is particularly crushing for the British - a nation for whom the phrase: 'How are you?' really means: 'Please say one word, then leave me alone.'

I have no real enemies in comedy, but there are a couple of people who I'd laugh about if I heard that their legs had fallen off.