Quotes from Pat Paulsen

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'

We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.