Quotes from Claudia Winkleman

I find it alarming that people are so convinced they're the best at anything - presenting, hairdressing, getting dressed.

A dark room with some low-level whale music and a flat bed and a woman pulling your shoulder back and forth is a happy place.

Men are, on the whole, born without any fashion sense whatsoever. I don't say this to be mean, but I'm just being honest.

Rodents are pests and not pets, and anything that manically runs around a wheel 24/7 and occasionally has 19 babies in the middle of the night should not be brought into the house.

Seriously, Jamie Cullum could be the smallest person on the planet. He might be lovely and charming and you might think we all should spend more time talking about his piano-playing techniques but, seriously, have you seen how short he is?

Men fill up their heads and drawers and sheds with stuff from their teenage years.

The character of Samantha Jones proved that women over the age of 40 could be magnificently sexy and attractive to men of all ages.

I am allergic to fancy dress. This is actual fact.

I can't stand people who say they've got 'Africa fatigue.'

There's nothing quite as perfect as going to a dark room where you can eat fattening food next to the man you love. OK. All right. Like. The man you like.

Top-flight football players are a strange bunch.

Forgetting stuff is just human, especially when other things are on our minds.

Grown-up parties are so dull they make me want to throw a tantrum and hurl red wine on the nearest cream-damask armchair.

It's deep in the south of India and next to Goa, but thankfully the folk who like Goa haven't worked out that Kerala is a lot nicer and just next door. You do feel that you are discovering somewhere entirely new in Kerala. It makes you feel like you are on a totally different planet.

I am box-set girl; I buy into those big American series like 'The Sopranos' and 'Heroes.'

Facebook, I'm learning, is like a man. You have to be smiley and fun and witty but sometimes you have to play it cool and just ignore it for a couple of hours.

Be completely honest - have you ever met someone who you thought was truly clever or interesting or witty who wore fawn?

Being hummed at by someone with magic hands while they knead your neck is good for the soul, but it won't make you giggle for days afterwards. In fact, the second the smiley therapist stops and says, 'You can put your robe on now, the hour is up,' the joy and wonder sort of leaves the room.

Things I am allergic to: people who believe in star signs and think nothing of starting a conversation with: 'Hi, my name's Lucy. I'm a Sagittarius;' rodents (apart from miniature hamsters, which are not in fact rodents but small, breathing, brown balls of cotton wool); and people who go to the gym.

The only question a girl can ask herself when their husband chooses to see '27 Dresses' is this: What on earth has he done?

The truth is that tights are just so cosy.

Hiring someone to look after your children is about the most important thing you will ever do in your life.

If you meet a girl who says: 'Darling, what do you mean? Of course I wear suspenders. I've worn them all my life. I think tights are for old people,' then know this: she's desperate to have kids, she wants you and her to live in the same house as her mum, she never wants to go out and she just wants to lie on your chest for the next 15 years.

Stockings are tricky for girls - you worry about them falling down all night and the idea that you dress up at 7pm so that your boyfriend can get excited about six hours later is just too much effort.