Quotes from Arthur Smith

When they meet a stand-up comic, people sometimes remark: 'That must be the hardest job in the world.' Among comedians, only Freddie Starr is not embarrassed and slightly appalled by this remark.

I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.

I like doing things I haven't learnt about yet. I've always been interested in art, and I love doing art.

My eyebrows could do with a trim.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

The Romantic poets were the prototype ramblers, and I've often found myself following in their footsteps - although perhaps not all of their footsteps since a typical walk for Samuel T. Coleridge might last two days and cover 145km.

When a writer dies you get a higher standard of obituary.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.

I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but, unlike stand-ups, they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery.

I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.

The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.

When I was eight or nine, I wrote a new version of 'Peter Pan' for the school play. They didn't use it - I imagine it was unperformable - but as recompense for not doing my script, I was offered any role, and instinctively went for Captain Hook. I came on trying to be terrifying, but everyone laughed at me.

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.