Quotes from Graham Norton

I'd like to retire at 50 but I don't want to sell papers in the middle of London on a Zimmer.

One of the great things about being gay and out is that the papers couldn't care less about your love life.

My ambition was to stop waiting tables. That was how I measured success: finally, I was able to stop waiting tables, and I was able to pay the rent, and that was by being a stand-up comic. Not a very good stand-up comic, but good enough to make a living.

I spent a long time working in restaurants and making no money. It was very character-building, but I think it could have been built in a shorter time.

Some people think they're depressed and they go to the doctor and want pills. And you just think: 'You hate where you live, you've lost your job, your boyfriend has dumped you, could all this be why you're depressed?'

Occasionally the state of the planet can knock me off my perky perch.

I do get pleasure from very inconsequential things, like shopping for clothes.

I always say I'd rather be miserable by myself than unhappy in a relationship.

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.

I don't think you should have to try to be nice, I think most people are nice. I think being cheerful and nice is just a politeness.

A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

I'm often dating people, but I don't say it because you sort of know it won't last long.

Do I have more depth than I'm given credit for? No!

The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show.

I don't think I've got bad taste. I've got no taste.

An awful lot of female celebrities are very beautiful whereas a lot of male celebrities are not so hot.

I was a failed actor but I still wanted to show off, so I ended up doing live comedy.

All my interesting stories are from before I was on television. Nothing interesting has happened to me since then. Maybe it's because the most interesting thing in my life is the show and that's on telly.

The higher your profile becomes, the more aware you are that people out there might hate you.

Well, certainly I think American television is - that's proper TV.

I've heard other gay people say when they were growing up they felt 'foreign.' Growing up, I was able to label these feelings as: 'I'm a Protestant.' It wasn't until I left, I thought: 'Oh, those weren't Protestant feelings.'

The BBC will always be attacked by whoever is in government. It is that George Bush thing of 'If you're not with us you are against us.'

All these people I interview are worth ten times what I'm worth.