Quotes from Andy Kindler

I've always felt that there's a Catskills comic who lives in my head and is constantly trying to get out. There's all these jokes that have been passed down from Jewish generation to Jewish generation, which I love but which I've always made fun of.

I try to go out for everything. I go out for any acting stuff that comes up, and voice-over stuff.

I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.

My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.

I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.

Why did God have to make Mo'Nique a good actress? What was God thinking when he decided to give Mo'Nique acting chops. Now we have to endure Mo'Nique comedy specials.

I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

You tell me that 'Date Night' was good? I'm not going to see it. I will debate you on it, having no knowledge of the footage in the film. I was next to someone on the plane watching it, and they were dozing off.

I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.

I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.

Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.

Sometimes things can be a guilty pleasure, but with 'Idol,' everyone talks about it like it's a real thing; they argue over who's gonna win... There's no laughing at it.

From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'

If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings.

I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.

When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.

I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.

Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.

In the '90s, comedy was at a very low point, but these days, you've got people like Hannibal Burress, Ron Funches, Maria Bamford - people who can play any club, anywhere.

'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'

I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.