Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Positive , adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.