Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.

He had power only to feel, and feeling was torment.

Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

Revolution - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

he had nothing to say and he said it

Litigation – A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

Humanity , n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.

Debt is an ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it...

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Human nature is pretty well balanced; for every lacking virtue there is a rough substitute that will serve at a pinch--as cunning is the wisdom of the unwise, and ferocity the courage of the coward.

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage of by removal of the patient from the influences under which he/she incurred the disorder. This disease, like Caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than the patient.